A Thanksgiving like no other

Today would have been her 60th birthday.  My husband's mom, my mother-in-LOVE, Lisa Baker, passed away earlier this year.  Unexpected isn't a big enough word - it was a shock to our family that has on the one hand left us shaken and raw.  But, as is the case with most difficult situations in life, it has also given us the profound gifts of perspective and grit.  

I've been avoiding writing about the situation for months because no time seemed to feel right to discuss something so deep and personal.  And then this morning, as I thought about her, her birthday, and tomorrow's holiday, I just knew - this is the right time.  

For those of you who knew Lisa, you welcomed her fire personality along with her soft heart gladly.  She was the definition of loyal - if she liked you, she'd lay down everything for you.  Our relationship started out slightly rocky: here I was taking a place in her only son's life that was monumental, and I think at first she was skeptical of the place she would be able to hold in my heart.  But as the years passed, and grandkids started coming into the picture, there was an appreciation and respect that grew between her and I and ended up blossoming into the most amazing relationship.  She knew me and loved me, and I knew her and loved her.  And as I look back on how these last 9 months have shaped my life I can see the influences that she had on me taking a firm root in my identity and beginning to blossom.  When I think about how I want to continue to live my life, here are a few lessons she lived out for me: 

Focus on what matters. 

There is no denying that family was THE most important thing to my mother-in-law.  Regardless of what she had on her agenda or plate, she was ultimately, truly available to Ryan and I to be with us or our kids at any time.  The love that she had for her two kids was next level - yikes to the person who crossed one of her beloved children - for real, head-on-a-platter type shit.  And yet, as much as she loved Ryan and Danielle, she somehow loved her grandkids even more.  She invested in them.  She spent time doing the things that they loved to do.  She lived out her love for them in real, genuine ways, and the hole that has been left with her passing in their lives is immense and will probably never be filled.  But the memories that they have of her are perfect. She made me recognize the gift that family is, and made me determined to not let these years with my children still home go racing by in a series of catalogued events: sleep, eat, school, sports, repeat.  I absolutely will take every step I can to ensure that the gift of time with my family is a priority.  The perspective of life being short is all too real, and I refuse to waste time chasing things that don't matter.  

Be learning always. 

Some of my favorite memories were discussing any variety of topics with Lisa.  She was an amazing listener, and she was incredibly passionate about certain topics: politics, education, healthcare, government - I loved it.  But as worked up as she could get from time to time (it's so funny, I don't know where Ryan gets it 😆), she was also super quick to humbly listen to a concept or idea that challenged her pre-conceived notions.  She taught me that it's important to stand up for what you know, but also, she's helped me realize that there's a lot I don't know about or understand.  And beyond that, there's even more that I don't even know I don't know about.  And, I believe that goes for everyone.  Careful with what you are so positively locked onto: true understanding and knowledge is discerning, but it's also constantly growing and being fed.  

Be undeniably yourself. 

She couldn't NOT be herself in any given situation.  She had conviction, but managed to be gracious at the same time.  It's a funny coincidence that I've gotten as into the enneagram as I have in this last year.  That amazing tool paired with Lisa's authenticity has pushed me to be honest with my traits, both the good and bad.  It's inspired me to be unafraid of having an opinion, even if it turns away those that are close to me.  I've been outspoken about several taboo topics, and made choices in the last year that aren't for every person.  But I've also never felt more honest with myself and those close to me.  If you want to feel like an outsider, try these on for size: I love Jesus, worship is a real connection I have to God, I love motorcycles, CBD is cool, food is rad and I refuse to eat salad just to have a six-pack, working out is a privilege and I love to treat my body with equal parts work and rest, reading is better than TV, the majority of art that our current culture produces is complete crap, homeschool is the best, most freeing decision I've made in the last decade of raising my kids, vaccinations are poison (yes - poison), and I don't care if you don't like me.  Feels pretty good.  

Live out your faith. 

I know Lisa's in heaven.  There's no doubt in my mind of that fact.  She didn't go to church, but here's what I know - every single person lifting their hands and praising in worship on a Sunday morning is just as messed up as the rest of us.  They just might need some help lowering their pride to recognize their wonderful humanity.  Embracing the fact that you need Jesus every single day is one of the best things you can do for yourself.  Seeing that YOU, not your prayer list, or your family, or that one friend, or the people that you interact with daily, but YOU need Jesus - let's get more of that.  Lisa didn't flout her faith, she just humbly, steadily lived it out.  She was gracious and loving and kind.  She was self-sacrificing almost to a fault.  She held the truths of scripture in her heart and kept her relationship with her Savior private and personal.  She was an incredible role model in that, and I hope to follow in her example.  

So today, tomorrow, and the rest of this weekend are going to be interesting.  She was the cornerstone to my Thanksgiving holidays for the last decade, and tomorrow will be different without her.  But, I love knowing that I got to have the best relationship I could hope for with a mother-in-law while she was here.  She had an enormous impact on my life, and I'm forever, forever grateful to her.  She trusted me to support her son and raise our kids well, and I'm going to do my best to live up to her legacy.  Happy birthday, Lisa. 

Peter John Courson

Sitting at my computer listening to Dan Fogelberg sing “Longer” and there’s waves of nostalgia crashing over me.  This is a song and an artist I grew up listening to because my parents really loved his music, along with some of the other incredible singer-songwriters of the 1970s.  

This week has been one that’s caused me to reflect a bit: my life, my past, my faith.  The pastor that cemented my belief in Jesus Christ passed away this last week.  His name is Peter John Courson and he was only a handful of years older than me…which at this point blows my mind, because I think when he came to Applegate Christian Fellowship and took over the main role of teaching pastor from his father, he couldn’t have been older than 30.  

Peter John had a calling and a gift.  His father, Jon, taught in a manner that demanded respect.  Jon’s teachings were always rich, deep and thorough.  They were full of information and insight and were incredibly powerful.  

// Side bar…now listening to Annie’s Song by John Denver - tell me a song with a more beautiful melody.  I’ll wait. //

When Peter John came and started teaching it was like a breath of fresh air.  Gone were the teachings of Old Testament doctrine, and the constant message was that of grace, love and the gospel.  He taught about Jesus.  

One of the things I’ve loved so far this year in reading through the Bible in it’s entirety is the beautiful balance that’s struck between Old Testament and New Testament scripture.  The OT is full of instruction and law and while some can feel suppressed by that, I think it’s a beautiful picture of what God’s ideal was: an earth where people treated each other well, where they loved God and respected Him, and where their life flourished.  Then in the New Testament, you have this balm of grace that permeates every scripture passage.  Jesus died and His death changes the course of history.  No longer are we tied to the law, we are free and we have the freedom to love others well and allow grace to save them. 

When Peter John came to be the head pastor at ACF my faith was struggling big time.  It was the first time in my life where I’d been shown other options besides Christianity and I was a mess of confusion and doubt.  In the months prior I had been hired at ACF to do worship, so I had to be at a certain number of services each week.  It was hard to sit in church and listen with my ears feeling dimmed to what I was taking in.  But slowly, PJ’s words and messages started to chip away at the hardness of my heart.  

I know that God didn’t take Jon away from Applegate for those 7 or so years only to have me be able to take in PJ’s perspective on grace and have that literally save my soul…but what if He did?  

It’s crazy to me that this incredible man’s life was cut so short.  It’s the epitome of life not being fair, because on the one hand, he had so many health struggles that to be free of those was something that everyone would want for him.  But in order for that to happen, he had to be taken away.  

I’m sure I’m one of thousands that can say their life was made better through PJ and his spreading of the gospel.  I am so thankful.  So thankful for him.  

And it has made me ask myself this question all week - what is my life about?  Really.  Not the overarching goal, but what do I make my life about day in and day out?  Because I want it to be about Jesus.  All of it.  I hope that when the time comes for my life to be over that people will think of me, sure, but that they will be able to say that I made them think of Jesus.  Because truly, truly, there’s nothing else that matters.