Neitzsche and I agree only on this point...

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

I've never been an athlete. Yah, I did cheerleading in high school and while it did require flexibility and some athletic skills, sports and showcasing how strong and capable my body is has never been my thing. My parents didn't push sports on me, and I'm okay with that. I had other things going on with life as a kid - music, church, family, friends, schoolwork etc. Because I avoided most sporting events, I didn't have to come to grips with my lack of expertise in this area...most of the time.

I'd make it through P.E. classes cause there was always at least one stoner girl that was somehow weaker or slower than me.  And I can walk around the gym and figure out what machines to use, but where I'm tested is in group environments where some kind of physical activity ALWAYS seems to rise up as the thing for everyone to do together: "Hey, we're all camping at the beach, let's go down and play ultimate frisbee", "It's summer camp and that means we're playing Gastapo / Capture the Flag / Wells Fargo (shudder)", "Now that the bbq is over, you guys wanna play a pick-up game of soccer?". My answer to all these proposals would be "No, I'm tired", "I think I'll referee" and / or "Please, God, please, have them pick someone else".

 There's a very distinct memory of a time that I headed to Fichtner Park in Medford after a church service at Applegate with some of my friends, let me rephrase, some of the cool kids who for some reason asked me to join them. Sitting on a blanket at the beautiful park having awesome conversation was obviously not enough for this crew, as a few minutes after we arrived, they decided to all play volleyball. All including me. "Don't panic, just be cool, there's enough people that you'll be covered" I told myself as I tried to make it seem like I was as confident standing in the ankle deep sand as I would be anywhere else. Of course one of the first 90 mph over-hand serves courtesy of a dude was directed to me and as I saw that white orb plummeting from the dark sky towards my person I got my hands in the correct position (left hand circles right thumb, hands come together to form a double-flat fist, arms out), and raced forward to have my depth perception be off just enough that rather than bounce perfectly off my extended arms, the volleyball hit me directly in the face. As in it bounced off my nose and mouth and onto the ground. There was no hiding it, there was no going around it, I had lost my team that point and with it every ounce of my dignity.

Fast forward 12 years and here's the picture of me earlier this week.  Knees bent, not extending past my ankles, shoulders down, butt back, arms long, hands circled around a barbell with a 15 lb. and 5 lb. plate on each end, deep breath...and pull!!  Bar comes up above my knees, hips kick out, bar floats for a second before my elbows shoot under and the bar gets caught on my shoulders and under my chin and I straighten from a slightly squatted position.

If you had shown my 21 year old self a video of that, I probably would have passed out.

But something incredible has happened over these summer months.  I've been introduced to a workout, a lifestyle, that has challenged me in ways I never thought it would and has made me into a person that I never, NEVER thought I would be (Eve's "Who's that girl?" is totally playing in my head right now).

I know that Crossfit-type workouts have their haters and rightly so.  Looking from the outside in, it seems like a cult of meat-heads.  But oh, ooooooooh, is it special.  It's teamwork and accountability and stretching yourself physically (obviously) and mentally (for a constant multi-tasking mom, this is a struggle).  It seems next to impossible at times and that's why it is so freaking amazing.  When Ryan started going at the beginning of June and encouraged me to check it out I was nervous.  But luckily I talked some of my girls into going with me, and we went on a Tuesday morning.  Now...did I feel like I was going to die at some point in that hour?  Yes.  Did I feel like I couldn't possibly continue doing what they were asking me to do?  Yes.  Did I think I was going to cry?  Maybe.

And now, three months later, do I still feel like those questions roll through my head every time I go?  Yes.

But there is something happening to my mind and body that is more powerful than just working out.  It is truly changing my perception of physical and mental obstacles in life.  Slowly drifting away is the deep fear and anxiety that accompanies trying something new and that is huge for me.  Before when any physical event would have come up, I would have made an excuse or distracted from my lack of ability with humor, but now I want to step up and try.  Will I be great?  Meh.  But that doesn't matter.

And while I enjoy seeing what this is doing for me, I love how it's starting to shape how I help my kids.  Israel is really similar to me pre-summer.  He likes to know what's going on and if he doesn't understand a situation or doesn't feel like he can do well - he will not participate.  It's one thing to parent your kids in an area that you don't struggle in, but it's a completely different beast watching them flail in a language you understand all too well.  But with these last couple months I've come to terms with the fact that most insecurities are fear playing dress up.  Dang that fear.  One of my favorites, 2 Timothy 1:7, "He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of love, power and a sound mind".  I realize that working out doesn't replace God's incredible Holy Spirit doing a work in my life.  A deep work.  One that's been cementing itself into my person for 33 years.  But He has used these classes as a way to break through.  And for that I am grateful.

So thank you to Codi, Scott and Mike.  You guys are incredible with what you do and I can't put into words how grateful I am for what you've helped me accomplish.  And this is just the beginning.  Thank you, Amber and Dana, for coming along with me and being the best partners when it comes to almost-vomiting and sweating.  Thank you, World, for pushing me to try something new and being so happy for me when I do well...and competing with me at the same time - really?  You're totally going to be faster and stronger than me every time.  And thank you, Jesus, for giving me abilities that I didn't know I had and showcasing my strength when the timing was perfect.  Your timing is always perfect.  Yes and amen.