Today would have been her 60th birthday. My husband's mom, my mother-in-LOVE, Lisa Baker, passed away earlier this year. Unexpected isn't a big enough word - it was a shock to our family that has on the one hand left us shaken and raw. But, as is the case with most difficult situations in life, it has also given us the profound gifts of perspective and grit.
I've been avoiding writing about the situation for months because no time seemed to feel right to discuss something so deep and personal. And then this morning, as I thought about her, her birthday, and tomorrow's holiday, I just knew - this is the right time.
For those of you who knew Lisa, you welcomed her fire personality along with her soft heart gladly. She was the definition of loyal - if she liked you, she'd lay down everything for you. Our relationship started out slightly rocky: here I was taking a place in her only son's life that was monumental, and I think at first she was skeptical of the place she would be able to hold in my heart. But as the years passed, and grandkids started coming into the picture, there was an appreciation and respect that grew between her and I and ended up blossoming into the most amazing relationship. She knew me and loved me, and I knew her and loved her. And as I look back on how these last 9 months have shaped my life I can see the influences that she had on me taking a firm root in my identity and beginning to blossom. When I think about how I want to continue to live my life, here are a few lessons she lived out for me:
Focus on what matters.
There is no denying that family was THE most important thing to my mother-in-law. Regardless of what she had on her agenda or plate, she was ultimately, truly available to Ryan and I to be with us or our kids at any time. The love that she had for her two kids was next level - yikes to the person who crossed one of her beloved children - for real, head-on-a-platter type shit. And yet, as much as she loved Ryan and Danielle, she somehow loved her grandkids even more. She invested in them. She spent time doing the things that they loved to do. She lived out her love for them in real, genuine ways, and the hole that has been left with her passing in their lives is immense and will probably never be filled. But the memories that they have of her are perfect. She made me recognize the gift that family is, and made me determined to not let these years with my children still home go racing by in a series of catalogued events: sleep, eat, school, sports, repeat. I absolutely will take every step I can to ensure that the gift of time with my family is a priority. The perspective of life being short is all too real, and I refuse to waste time chasing things that don't matter.
Be learning always.
Some of my favorite memories were discussing any variety of topics with Lisa. She was an amazing listener, and she was incredibly passionate about certain topics: politics, education, healthcare, government - I loved it. But as worked up as she could get from time to time (it's so funny, I don't know where Ryan gets it 😆), she was also super quick to humbly listen to a concept or idea that challenged her pre-conceived notions. She taught me that it's important to stand up for what you know, but also, she's helped me realize that there's a lot I don't know about or understand. And beyond that, there's even more that I don't even know I don't know about. And, I believe that goes for everyone. Careful with what you are so positively locked onto: true understanding and knowledge is discerning, but it's also constantly growing and being fed.
Be undeniably yourself.
She couldn't NOT be herself in any given situation. She had conviction, but managed to be gracious at the same time. It's a funny coincidence that I've gotten as into the enneagram as I have in this last year. That amazing tool paired with Lisa's authenticity has pushed me to be honest with my traits, both the good and bad. It's inspired me to be unafraid of having an opinion, even if it turns away those that are close to me. I've been outspoken about several taboo topics, and made choices in the last year that aren't for every person. But I've also never felt more honest with myself and those close to me. If you want to feel like an outsider, try these on for size: I love Jesus, worship is a real connection I have to God, I love motorcycles, CBD is cool, food is rad and I refuse to eat salad just to have a six-pack, working out is a privilege and I love to treat my body with equal parts work and rest, reading is better than TV, the majority of art that our current culture produces is complete crap, homeschool is the best, most freeing decision I've made in the last decade of raising my kids, vaccinations are poison (yes - poison), and I don't care if you don't like me. Feels pretty good.
Live out your faith.
I know Lisa's in heaven. There's no doubt in my mind of that fact. She didn't go to church, but here's what I know - every single person lifting their hands and praising in worship on a Sunday morning is just as messed up as the rest of us. They just might need some help lowering their pride to recognize their wonderful humanity. Embracing the fact that you need Jesus every single day is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Seeing that YOU, not your prayer list, or your family, or that one friend, or the people that you interact with daily, but YOU need Jesus - let's get more of that. Lisa didn't flout her faith, she just humbly, steadily lived it out. She was gracious and loving and kind. She was self-sacrificing almost to a fault. She held the truths of scripture in her heart and kept her relationship with her Savior private and personal. She was an incredible role model in that, and I hope to follow in her example.
So today, tomorrow, and the rest of this weekend are going to be interesting. She was the cornerstone to my Thanksgiving holidays for the last decade, and tomorrow will be different without her. But, I love knowing that I got to have the best relationship I could hope for with a mother-in-law while she was here. She had an enormous impact on my life, and I'm forever, forever grateful to her. She trusted me to support her son and raise our kids well, and I'm going to do my best to live up to her legacy. Happy birthday, Lisa.
