Math is a liar

It's been awhile. That would be because when you have one child and you add another child to the mix it actually adds up to more than two total children. It's more like seven. You're feeding one and then dressing the other and then changing the one's diaper and then soothing the next and then getting the one a treat while burping the other and then picking out clothes for the first while balancing the other on your hip as you pick up the toys of the one as your pull the dangerous object (fork, laundry detergent, toilet plunger) out of the crusty grip of the other - all the while keeping the laundry from resembling an actual mountain (that elder baby would like to either a. climb or b. pick apart and scatter throughout the house), the dishes from acquiring permanent levels of crust from sitting in the sink, the floor from becoming a minefield for breaking your back with wheeled toys and actual banana peels and accomplishing the basics of brushing your teeth (before 3 p.m.), getting dressed in something other than sweats and keeping your frig and pantry stocked with something other than canned beans and ketchup (which, actually, you can combine and it's a slightly less sweet version of baked beans).

Oh, and by the by, you're to do all of this on an average of 3 hours of sleep.

But guess how amazingly wonderful it is? I can't even put into words how much love I have for my beautiful babies, my hard working husband or this crazy exhausting life that we have going on right now. When you realize how blessed you are, it makes 2 a.m. feedings followed by the occasional 4 a.m. feeding, spit up stains on your favorite shirt, jeans that pinch your stomach so hard and still don't look quite right but you wear them anyway because you threw out all your maternity clothes, baby poop on the changing table cover you just washed, picking toilet paper off of the unspooled roll on the ground, under eye circles that defy even the thickest makeup, hours and sometimes days of saying sentences that rhyme, stomach "muscles" that look like an inverted backbone and toys with sing-song voices that make the munchkins from "Wizard of Oz" sound like a black gospel choir completely tolerable, even nice. Even precious...except for those d&*# toys that I literally want to throw into a freaking canyon. Although that wouldn't work cause then the sounds would just echo off the walls making the world come to an end. :)

Wait, wait, waaaaaait!!

Oh my goodness, I’m going to have another baby. Don’t ask me why this thought hasn’t been repeating over and over in my head for the last 8 ½ months, because I can’t give you a definite answer. Yes, I’ve had my hands full raising baby #1, but at the same time surely there must have been some moments where the realization that one session of afternoon delight last October has now created a living, soon to be breathing-screaming-pooping little package?! Nope. Perhaps it’s been the distraction of Israel, or moving to a different house, or maybe my brother’s wedding, various holidays, cheesy TV shows I can’t get enough of or the development of new friendships, whatever the reason, I have completely put off the thought of having this baby until very, very recently. And when that reality hit it was like a mack truck.

They say that labor with your second is “easier” because you have been through the whole experience and so you know what to expect. But to me, that doesn’t make it easier. Are you kidding me? I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT! I can remember very vividly the pressure, the immense pain and the impossible feat of keeping calm and focusing on pushing this pot roast out of something originally intended to be the size of a dime (I know things change at that moment, but for dramatics sake). So to say that I am fearful of this upcoming, unavoidable situation would be an understatement.

Not to mention that I look around the playroom and get panicky thinking that I have not yet separated Izzy’s toddler toys from what will be Charlie Kate’s baby toys which means I need to get to Ross and get some baskets so I can have those organized, also I need to put her diapers on the changing table as well, oh and while I’m at that, we need to get to Ryan’s sister’s house and snag her changing table so I can have one upstairs in Charlie’s room cause lord knows, babies poop a LOT and I don’t want to be running up and down the stairs every single time if I can avoid it. Oh, and all those blankets need to be moved from the chest in the playroom into the storage area downstairs so I can have room to put the actual baby blankets in them. I need to hang those Brambly Hedge pictures in her room, plus, I should probably reorganize the bookshelves so that I can fit all the baby books on there so I can use the chest of drawers for storage in her room rather than a bookshelf…

Most people might see all those things as unnecessary and tell me to ease up and go with the flow, but that’s just not me. I have to be organized. I am very much OCD, like to a fault. For instance, I cannot just pack for a trip by throwing things in a suitcase. I have to have a list that I’ve constructed at least 24 hours prior to departure that lists either by day or by category the various clothes, toiletries and extras I’ll be taking. Every trip. Every time.

So with all this chaos and disorganization at home and fear of the impending birth situation, you’d think I’d be a stressed out lunatic, but wouldn’t you know how great and gracious our Lord is and at the exact time that the reality of my situation hit, He graced me with not one but two perfect people to talk to me and without their knowledge, give me such incredible reassurance and strength. Thank you, JP, for talking to me about the fear that you struggle with as a parent and how you have realized that trust in the Lord provides a better outcome in all situations. And thank you, Rebecca, for your calm words of advice, sweet prayer and mantra of turning every fear into a moment of faith. God is so good. I know that this baby will come, the delivery will be painful, but as soon as I see her little face, it will be completely worth it. And as far as my house and organizing it goes…that’s why I have a husband.

If I had a factory...

There's nothing more obnoxious then falling in love with a product, whether that's a beverage or food item, a cosmetic treat or a TV program and then all of the sudden not being able to find it anymore. I have a particular knack for sending products that I fancy into a pit of non existence. Which makes me wonder, do I have really bad taste? Or is it just the nature of this earth to "no longer produce" products that Megan likes so much?

Here's my current list of items that I really wish were still around:

1. Mary Kay lip gloss: Rewind to 1986, my mom used to get this lip gloss from Mary Kay: light pink tube with a gold lid, small fuzzy brush applicator and the most incredible smell. They say that our memories can be triggered more by an aroma then anything else, and I totally believe it. That's how I'd know if this lip gloss ever came back into production and was available to me again. It smells exactly like the Strawberry Shortcake doll I used to have as a little kid: pink and fruity with a hint of plastic.

2. Tab energy drink: When I was living on my own in my early 20's I was working 2 jobs, dating lots o' boys, going to school full-time, going out on weekends (and the occasional weeknight) and fully enjoying life aka not getting as much sleep as a growing girl needs. That's why this delightfully fruity, carbonated, pink beverage came in so handy. It was milder then Red Bull and gave me enough of a buzz to get where I needed to go and do what I needed to do. Plus, it was in a super cute, skinny pink can. I knew it was doomed though when it started to show up only on the shelves of Food 4 Less at 50% off.

3. Great Steak and Potato Company: The food court at the mall rarely holds culinary treasures, but the Great Steak & Potato Co. was my exception to that rule. They made this chicken teriyaki sandwich that absolutely rocked. Accompanied with their delicious fries and an iced tea, it was the perfect fuel for a shopping spree. So imagine my shock when I was heading up to their counter this last December, wallet in hand, looking down at my phone as I was texting the friend I was meeting and walked, literally, into a wall. Shocked and slightly embarrassed I glanced up and sure enough, no more counter, no more sign, just a plastered wall stating that this space was now available for rent. Major, major boo.

4. Trailer blurb in E! News weekend wrap-up blog: This actually reveals a bit too much about my obsession with pop culture, but whatevs. E! News is an app I have on my phone and every Saturday they post an article called "Weekend Wrap-up" and it contains a bunch of different blurbs about the major stories of the week, summaries of shows, etc. My favorite blurb was super short, it just mentioned all the new movie trailers that had come out that week and whether or not they did their movies justice. You all know that previews are one of the best things about going to the movies, so I'd always go from this blurb to YouTube and check out the new snippets. Only bummer is that now, for whatever reason, they no longer put that information in the article. Lame.

5. Jennifer Love Hewitt spin off: I'm not a Jennifer Love Hewitt fan, and I never watched "Party of Five", but for whatever reason I got caught up in her spin-off show from PO5: "Time of Your Life". It had a great story line, her blank head tilt stare thing she does in every movie ever didn't bug me and Jonathan Schaech was yummy. Of course it got cancelled before even finishing the first season.

6. Chocolate lasagna from Olive Garden: One of my favorite flavors is amaretto and Olive Garden used to have this dessert that was layer upon layer of moist chocolate cake alternating with creamy amaretto frosting and then topped with a thicker layer of frosting and chocolate chunks. In a word: divine. In three words: no longer available.

So today at the mall when the adorable MAC sales guy came up and asked what he could help with and I handed him my almost empty container of my favorite shade of lipglass and he said, "Oooooh, let me check and make sure we have this because I know they're getting ready to stop production of this color" (*sigh*), I didn't fuss or throw a temper tantrum, I just bought every single one they had in stock.

Maui

Best taste of the islands: It’s a tie between the sliced pineapple served with a cinnamon sour cream sauce at The Plantation House for brunch and the shaved ice from Local Boys. The latter was juiced up with three flavors of my choice, and my second time there I chose tiger’s blood, blue vanilla and cherry made fully complete with a scoop of vanilla ice cream under the ice and a generous helping of this sweet cream stuff poured on top. Unreal. And yes, both of these tasty treats were better than my filet from Ruth’s Chris on our girls night out.

Best moment of “I’m so happy you’re my friend”: A chat in the bathroom about the difficulties of motherhood that ended up with me getting teary and Shayna coming over and giving me one of those genuine hugs where you don’t feel like you have to let go right away.

Best purchase: My new sunglasses that looked so cute on Erin that I had to get them. And she was inspired to get hers cause they looked so good on Shayna. We all live in different states so it’s totally ok to be triplets.

Best unexpected treat: How good I slept the first night there. Our room didn’t have AC so we slept with the sliding door open and the ceiling fan on and the breeze combined with the sound of ocean waves was incredibly relaxing. The perfect temperature. So perfect that I snored to the point of depleting the night of sleep for my poor husband. Sorry, babe.

Best regular sighting: A tie between flowers that look so beautiful it should be illegal to pick them and my husband with his super tan skin in his daily uniform of shorts, a tank, flip flops and a hat. Yum.

What I’ll check out the next time I go back: That gazebo restaurant whose line was waaaaaay too long for us to wait with the kiddos, all the lovely places in and around Kihei that my brother and sister-in-law told me about, and ocean water deeper than 3 feet…although that last one isn’t a definite.

Agree to disagree

Watching Lady Gaga get interviewed on Ellen yesterday got me thinking about some of the ideas she was saying. She's very much about knowing and fiercely loving who you are and while I think that is a good way to live, that train of thought is really getting pushed in this day and age and it's making relationships with friends and strangers alike...blurry. Know yourself - yes. Love yourself - for sure. But I think it's dangerous when you start defining yourself as one thing or another and passionately clinging to that idea.

We are becoming these walking resolute beings that are cemented in our views on various topics, both serious and not so much: Republican vs. Democrat, vegetarian vs. meat eater, Starbucks vs. Dutch Bros., etc.

Because we have defined our point of view on something and grown to "love" ourselves and our opinions, when someone now disagrees with your philosophy on a topic, they're more or less disagreeing with who you are. Think about it, if you disagree with someone on something, it's usually a pretty strong difference and can easily end up in a argument, sometimes a heated one, and almost always results in one or the other thinking less of the opposite person. I've noticed this more as a parent because now that my decisions are affecting a completely helpless infant whose life depends on the choices I make, ideas like to vaccinate or not, to give formula or not and to let him watch TV or not all carry a lot more weight. And truthfully, I've had a couple friendships dissipate because of strong disagreements on these topics and others.

I'm not suggesting that we become ambivalent on all issues, because passion & conviction give our lives movement. And I think we should capitalize on the "love" emphasized in our current culture, but I believe rather then loving ourselves, a better mantra would be to really love others. It's the second half of the greatest commandment the Bible gives: Love God & love others. I have a lot of friends that aren't Christians, and I'm not using this as a platform to preach what I believe to be the saving truth for my life, but I CAN make an easy argument for the bonus of loving others more than yourself. If you're really honest, it's easy to see something positive about either side of any topic. Try playing devil's advocate, or if you're often in that role, try not so much :) You might find yourself liking people more and not getting as annoyed with friends and family you usually disagree with. And nothing is more fulfilling then having someone notice a change in your demeanor and themselves then honestly listen to what it is you have to say about something. Kindness can be so powerful.

Romans 12:18 - If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.

A hot chocolate of a day

One of my favorite things in this world is hot chocolate. It’s warm, rich, decadent - delicious. And arguably the best part about drinking hot chocolate is the dollop of cool whipped cream that seeps into the top layer of the drink and cools it just enough to make it palatable. Plus, those first several sips are just a little bit richer, creamier and sweeter, and I love the juxtaposition of temperatures. Today, my day was like this very combo. It started off burn-your-mouth hot, but was capped with a spoonful of cool, calm sweetness that made the whole thing a perfect balance.

First off, this morning started with a monumental meltdown, and while I should be referring to Israel, it's actually both thumbs pointed at this gal. Last night a door-to-door salesman stopped by to showcase this Kirby cleaning system and since we were on our way out the door, I said no, but yes to him coming over this morning at 11:00 to give his schpeal. After shutting the door, Ryan poked his head out of the bedroom and gave a curt and firm speech on how I was not going to buy anything that the man was offering and not only that, I wasn't even allowed to be home when he came by because I wouldn't be able to say no (Which, by the way, whatever! I have some sales resistance…not a lot, but some). So, this morning, as the 11:00 hour was approaching, I was trying to take off so Izzy and I could run some errands. It was getting near his nap time, so he was fussy, and after I had loaded up his lunch, diapers, an extra set of clothes, wipes, my water bottle, phone and chapstick, we just had one more thing to find - his binky.

Now, I know that currently in my house there are at least 18 binkies. However, this particular morning, none, and I repeat, NONE were making themselves known. Holding Izzy on my hip and my very heavy and full diaper bag over my shoulder I looked around the kitchen...none, the living room...nope, our bedroom (where he had 1 in his mouth that morning)...nope, our bathroom (where he had 1 maybe 10 minutes earlier)...gone - with my arm around him falling asleep and my other arm getting the circulation cut off by my 83 pound diaper bag, I decided to try the car. None. Zero, zip, zilch, not one freaking bink in the entire car. I had put Israel in his car seat, which he immediately detested because he's tired and BINK-LESS, and rifled through (aka threw out everything inside) the console and side pockets. Izzy's crying had now reached screaming volume, my forehead was sweating and I'm pretty sure my if my mom heard the words coming out of my mouth, I'd have to wash it out with soap. Slamming the doors shut, I give one final attempt in the house and ran upstairs to Israel's crib where I knew, I KNEW, there was a binkie shoved in the far side. The far side, which being almost 6 months pregnant is virtually impossible to reach because the bars are too high and the crib is too wide, but my anger and energy allowed me to have super-human reach and I snagged the stupid orange and clear plastic device, raced back downstairs to the car and popped the bink in Israel's mouth. As I pulled out of the driveway, I felt slightly ashamed. I had completely lost control of my temper in front of my toddler and I think it scared him. As the day progressed, the intensity of the morning faded, but I still felt just...stressed.

And then tonight happened. Once a month I get together for dinner with two of my friends who live in the Medford area. Tonight it was dinner at Bambu, so when Israel woke up from his second nap, I had about 15 minutes to kill before I needed to leave in order to make it on time, but rather than dawdle, I left, drove the speed limit, turned on my music, cracked my windows and chilled. Dinner was delicious, conversation was authentic and precious, and then on my drive home, it all clicked. I had picked up a hot chocolate (See that? Full circle!) from a coffee stand, the sun had set but it wasn't dark yet, so outside had that magic hour light, the windows were down so there was breeze blowing my hair around, and the perfect, perfect song came on: John Mayer's "Heartbreak Warfare". There's something about the opening bars of that song, it's the exact soundtrack a stream of oncoming headlights needs.

In that moment, I realized how long it had been since I'd had such a "moment". I've always loved to drive, and in my 20's I did a lot of it. Living in Medford, working in Ashland, going to church at Applegate and having family in Grants Pass, I was driving around a lot, having hours of time spent exactly like this, with your mind wandering and just living in this moment of sensory delight. Smell, taste, touch, sound and sight. It's so simple, but being a mom and a wife and having my life become a whirlwind of pleasing others, it's hard to pull back and give yourself a minute. Needless to say, the rest of my drive home was just dreamy, and it made me realize how simple and easy it is for me to get my mind settled. All it takes is a little music and a drive. Do I love thinking about my husband and taking care of my baby - absolutely. But I love me too, and in order to prevent future meltdowns (Completely? Never.) or appease them after they occur, it'll be nice to take half an hour, cruise around and think about absolutely nothing. Ryan and Izzy can come along next time if they want...as long as they're completely quiet :)

I have no room to complain

Watching "Good Morning, America" this morning, my eye kept getting drawn to the ticker running alongside the bottom of the screen because it was something about a 4 year old boy, but I kept missing the first part. I knew it probably wasn't something good, but something in my stomach forced me to keep watching in order to get the whole sentence. When I finally read it, I really wished I hadn't: "Body found in central California canal belongs to 4 year old boy kidnapped from his home". It was something along those lines and my eyes immediately started to well up with tears. The thing that made me saddest though, was that this sentence was strung along with dozens of other headlines streaming across TV's all over the nation like a passing thought or a whispered piece of gossip. It's like the message was "this isn't that important, but thought you all should know". But for that family? My gosh, I can not even begin to imagine the pain and horrific sorrow that is ripping them apart right now. Being a mom has made my heart much more fragile, and I hate that news like this is a normal part of the everyday in this broken world. And of all things in life that make me question the heart of our Saviour, it's stories like this. Someone so innocent who did not deserve what came their way, but I guess that perfectly describes Jesus, doesn't it?

All that to say, that while this story shook me up a bit this morning, my attention span with Israel was renewed today. I rocked him to sleep for both his early nap and his bedtime tonight. Rather then sitting in front of the TV while nursing, I took the time to feed him while sitting in my rocker and watch him. Instead of checking Facebook or playing a game on my phone while he goofs around on his toys in the living room, I challenged him to a crawling contest and then tried to teach him a more modern version of pattycake. My friend Amber wrote something once that I really, really liked. She talked about investing in her kids, taking those little moments to pour into them, not just try and survive the day to day in this thing called motherhood. I think that's SO important because it's what makes anything you do enjoyable. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it, and today, despite the sadness of this morning and the heartache I feel for that family, in a weird way the snippet inspired me to make the most of my day with my son. I don't want to complain about the cuteness that is my sweet little bundle of smiles because truly I'm blessed.